Don't Tell Mom That Everybody's Dead

by The Transylvania Troubadours

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Debut Album For Ohio's Best High Octane Coffin Rock!
Always Free, Always Loud, Always Horror.


released June 14, 2017

J.P Fleshman: Vocals, Lyrics, Samples

Ryan Burchett: All Music, All Recording




The Transylvania Troubadours Columbus, Ohio

100% High Octane Coffin Rock!

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Track Name: Don't Look In The Basement
Can't afford a dinner date this year, and the kids are getting on our nerves, so I think I've found a solution. When it's late at night and they're all tucked in, we'll grab our knives and forks and dig right in. Our little babies taste so well.
-This is a cannibal date night, and the kiddies aren't alright. Don't look in the basement if you dont want to see what you should never be.-
We can keep their teeth in a mason jar, and set it next to the stuffed animals, that way we can always remember the best meal we've ever had. And if the cops discover our little crime, surely we'll do hard time. But we can cross that bridge when we get to it, darling.
I'm hungry.
Track Name: Skull Splitter
He is coming in the night, machete in tow, mask on tight. He hates you, you're gonna die. Don't bother running, don't even try. This place has a death curse.
-Murder on a Friday night-
Camp Blood is no place for morons. Axe to head, spear to chest, intestines spill. By now you should remember his name.
But you thought he drowned? You just laid his mother six feet underground. Thirteen stands for revenge.
All hail the skull splitter! Remember his name: it's Voorhees.
Track Name: Go Forth And Kill
This isn't a fashion scene, this is a cemetery scene. We rock the graveyard stomp-stomp-stomp. The monsters have aligned, and we're ready to die. I hope you join us, I know you will.
-We want your blood, we want your bones, we want your flesh for our feast tonight. I've sent them out to hunt your children, I've told them all to go forth and kill.-
Slaughter-fest in the pumpkin patch, Murders in the Rue Morgue. We smell your fear in the dead of night. We're going to eat your guts, we're gonna drink your blood, we're gonna rob some graves...we're gonna party!
Live! From the catacombs! It's your death-in vivid red!
Track Name: Autopsy Daydream
I saw a terrible car crash, bodies piling up. Stumbling one by one they found their bed on the ground. Now the servants came to take them away, whisk them away to that sacred place. The servants didn't know that this would be the undoing of their lives.
-I had an autopsy daydream (we live, then die)-
The corpses rushed to the morgue, laid on the slabs for a minute of peace. The bodies began to stir and reached for all the scalpels. The servants now began to scream as the patients sawed through their arteries. Ripping out eyes and smashing teeth, the dead began to dream.
Don't let them out! They'll kill us all!
Track Name: My Life Went Black And White
All of my heroes are six feet in the ground, and I can't believe it but I know their spirits are watching over me. In the castles, in the graveyards, on the foggy moors. I see them when I close my eyes good night. Good fright.
-My life went black and white-
Late at night, moon in the sky, I watch the damsels try to stay alive. Werewolves, vampires, unholy ghouls run fast and set them straight to attack. All my heroes are gone away yet the monsters are still here to stay.
Track Name: Warp Speed To The Grave Of Stars
Death in the ninth dimension, the rocket ship stutters and comes to a halt. Extraterrestrial divination, interplanetary suicide.
-Warp speed to the grave of stars-shove our ray guns against their heads. Warp speed to the grave of stars-we'll never make it home so we're better off dead. Warp speed to the grave of stars-oddities in flight, killing again. Warp speed to the grave of...-
Black holes are approaching, our blood will be stretched into iron. A case of cosmic alchemy, our bones will break and recombine.
Rocket ship 13 has crashed, our bodies will be devoured by the alien scum.
Track Name: Gojira
Beasts from the sea, beasts from the sky, beasts from the earth, rising in unison. Temples will fall, people will die, no one will question who this is from. Kings of flesh and bone and rubber have come to settle the score. The Lord of them all, who will not fall, cannot accept this unwanted welcoming. He will destroy them one by one with atomic breath and strength beyond strength. Ghidorah nor Gigan, Hedorah nor Ebirah can come close to winning this one. Nothing you can do will stop this apocalypse. All rise, all fall. So turn and kiss your loved ones goodbye.
Here he comes.
Track Name: Fouke
What's in the woods?
Something's lurking beyond the trees, causing the humans to panic and flee. Filthy beast, or native deity? Strength of a Mack truck, patience of a saint. What can it be (the protector of the forest). Where can it be (hiding, never revealing). What can it be (a man-like ape). Where can it be (in your rear view mirror).
-Is it a man? Is it a beast? Does it exist or haunt your dreams?-
If the creature gets ahold of you you can be certain that death is close by. Ripping out intestines, snapping every bone. You can be sure he hates trespassers. No knife too sharp, no gun too large. You'll never know where he hides, creeping along river banks, hiding behind every tree.
He smells your fears. He knows your weakness.